Games where you play with your legs in front of you...

Yeah, I know it's been ages since I last wrote soomfin but I found out soon after writing the first coople that blogging is actually really fookin boring. In fact that might be my next article, why I hate blogging and people who do it.

Anyway, that's not what this one is about. This one is about the bane of everyone's lives. I am sure many people will read this next section and relate to it very closely. It is soomfin that bovers us all...yes that's right ladies and gentlemen, I am talking about games that you have to play with your feet out in front of you.

I know, right! Fookin' annoyin' isn't it?! What?! You don't know what I mean? What's the matter wiv you? I'm talking aboot games you have to lie down on the fookin' grass to play and you don't know where to put your legs. Here is why I hate it:

1. Like I said, you don't know where to put your legs and you are left with two options - sit with them out in front of you or lie down with out the back. Wiv the first one it's fookin' annoying having to lean forward to place your cards down every time. Wiv the secoond you are ok for about two, three minutes max, then your blooody arm starts aching from holding your head oop. It's fookin' gay!
2. It happens a lot...like once or twice a year!
3. The games you play are usually shit!
4. You look like a gay sittin' in a circle with all your friends on the lawn. I'm not a bloody' TellyTubbie!
5. It's not football.
6. My Animal (registered trademark) shirt gets graass stains on it.

Apart from that it's alright I suppose. It's not the gayiest thing in the whole word but it's close. The only fings gayer are Inder and Inder's idea to carry everything all the way round the blooody Lake District. I mean coomon! We've got fookin' beers and food and god knows what and he wants to carry 'em all. Fook me! I know he's been workin' out but he ain't blooody Arnie is he?

Signing off...Sean Douglass (a.k.a. God).

Stupid Words (e.g. "isms")

As promised, because I never let anyone down, I am going to rant today about isms. For those of you are special I'll explain what an ism is. They are basically any word ending in ism. Capitalism, communism, totalitarianism, determinism, solipsism, antidisestablishmentarianism. The list goes one.

These words really annoy me. See the photo below for proof.

Here, Sam had just used an "ism" and is pretty chuffed about it which is why he is grinning like a nob at the camera. I however, am not impressed at all. It annoys me so much that I start to get fidgety and stretching one of my many Animal (registered trademark) t-shirts. I hate ISMS!!

The main culprits for using these stupid words are philosophers, psychologists and political scientists. I could end my rant here because that exemplifies the kind of tits using these gay things, people who say a lot about nothing. But I'll continue.

The reason these words are blooody stupid is because they are meaningless. "Colonialism", what the fook does that mean? Another reason is that they are round about ways of making simple things sound complicated. "Capitalism", yeah, you mean money and cities and jobs! Don't say capitalism just because you want to sound like a clever prick. Just say "money and jobs and stoof. Stoof that isn't Roosia."

If I was in charge, if I was Prime Minister, I would ban these ism words because they are useless. We should only have simple words that explain something, not different words that mean the same thing...so I'd ban fookin' thesauruses as well. What's the point in them?! I know something's good, why do I need to say it differently. Why do people feel the need to say something's "stupendous", just say it's fookin' good! If I say it's good, people know what I mean. Why complicate things?

Introductions (and Yank Footy)

Hello. My name is Sean Douglass, aka dougla55, aka The McDoogle, aka the oracle of all knowledge concerning how the world fookin' is.

There's three things I love in life, football, Coheed and Cambria's little known song "Welcome Home" and Harry Hill. If it's not one of those three its likely I don't give two squirts of piss about it.

However, my opinion on all other matters varies between "alright" and "load of shit" and this blog is designed to let you know where within those parameters my completely correct, unarguable opinion lies. Basically, if you want to see the world without your fookin' rose tinted spectacles on then come right here and read my blog.

Basically, I'm a philosopher, with the difference that I'm not talking complete bollocks. If you want proof here it is...

This is me philosophising quite calmly under the pressure of having a tit screaming in my face...

See how similar it is to this...

Except, he didn't know what he was on about. I do. For further comparison, look at this, which is me thinking about how wise I am and the tit isn't in my face. It's just whichever idiot took the photo ruined it by cutting me out.

and this show's that I am smart...proposal of wisdom...

Confirmation of wisdom!

So, now you know what this is all about. If you don't know if something's good or shite because...well you're not me, then feel free to ask me to cover it and I will.

For starters and a little taste of what's to come I'm going to instruct you on why American Football is a complete load of bollocks.

Point 1 - the game is always fookin' stopping and starting. They kick off and three blooody seconds later the whistle's blown and they all pause to wipe the sweat off their brow. What the Fook?! They didn't do anything. They ran like two blooody meters!

Point 2 - the fookin' crowd scream like we do at a goal just when someone's roon ten blooody yards. I mean, how hard is it to roon ten yards? Despite there being eleven men the size of military approved tanks blocking the way. Fook me! When they get to the end, I've lost interest! Who cares if you got a fookin' toochdown or whatever it's called. Well done, you ran with the ball! Big deal! Poosies!

Point 3 - there's adverts every time they stop, which like I said before, is every two fookin' nanoseconds. I'm menna be watching sport! I don't want to buy a fookin' trook from Ford even if it has got super smoove suspension. I want to watch football - which is what I would say if I was an American. But I'm not. So actually I don't give a flying fook whether it is adverts or shitty Yankball because they are both SHITE!!

That's just a little taster of what's to come. Next, I'll probably do words ending in "ism" I hate isms, what is the point of them? Just posh way of saying soomthing else.